i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just tell him i said nine months
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
