I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
