went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
