I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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