I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
