Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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