i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
