I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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