When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
