I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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