I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think people are normalizing furries
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
