walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize