The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
