I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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