my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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