every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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