Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
