my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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