I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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