I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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