My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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