...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
