and you said cock pushups were impossible
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
