I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
