i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
