FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
