im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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