Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
