Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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