Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize