captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
