Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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