Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
