Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
