I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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