I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
