and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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