how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
