So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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