Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
