Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
