Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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