You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you have to choose: penises or morals?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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