She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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