Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
