My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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