I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So squirting runs in the family.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
