life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize