my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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