I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
