You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
