I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
