I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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