It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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