I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
