I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
