Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
