Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you will always have a special place in my vag
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
