so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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