I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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