Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
